Jan 15,2002 (Chicago, IL) After completing a thorough investigation, the Federal government today announced that Bob Slick is just a homeless man looking for a hand out. Bob had contacted the state department last week claiming to have been an afghan refugee that had fled to the United States. He requested that the government airdrop MRE’s (Meals Ready to Eat) in Daley Plaza so he can receive humanitarian aid just as his comrades back in Afghanistan are receiving.

“Bob Slick is nothing more than a bum trying to steal food and aid out of the Afghani people’s mouths.” A senior state department official declared at today’s press conference. “He’s never even been out of the US and has no hostile feelings towards this country. He’s as American as they come. The US government is not in the business of wasting food and humanitarian aid on American citizens. Humanitarian aid is reserved solely as propaganda for third world nations, to help convince them not to hate the US so much.” When asked about what would be done with Bob Slick, the senior state department official quickly quipped, “He’s fortunate that we are going to just send him back to the freezing streets of Chicago to fend for himself with the rest of the country, and that we chose not press charges for his treasonous ruse.”