Old Shit Pants Kicked Out Of Court
(Feb 1,2002, Denver, CO, by Staff)
Finding no basis for a lawsuit or complaint, Judge J.J. Walkerez dismissed Lewis Van Nogsten’s civil suit against his coworkers. Then ordered Lewis, who is affectionately known to his coworkers as “Old Shit Pants”, removed from the courtroom.
Lewis “Old Shit Pants” Van Nogsten had filed a civil suit against his coworkers for mental anguish and trauma for nicknaming him “Old Shit Pants” at work. While “Old Shit Pants” made a compelling argument on the stand, defense attorney Kevin K. Klancy managed to get “Old Shit Pants” to admit that he had indeed shit his pants on numerous occasions during his cross examination. After the defense presented several expert witnesses and the lab results from the state crime lab, Judge Walkerez put a kibosh on the trial.
Uttering the words, “Let’s put an end to this madness right now,” Judge Walkerez motioned for ‘Old Shit Pants’ to approach the bench. The Judge then continued, “So you freely admit that your bowels discharge involuntarily when you are nervous. You freely admit that you do in fact where underwear, which are referred to in state law as ‘pants’ in the legislation that bans the public from wearing Iron Pants. Your birth certificate clearly shows that you are 55 years old and we have heard from 5 expert witnesses that testified that the age 55 is considered old to the average person. And to top this all off, every pair of underpants the sheriff’s department seized and had tested from your home came back positive for fecal matter, or what the layman would call ‘shit’. You sir are old and you wear shit pants, so why are you wasting my time with this frivolous lawsuit?” “Old Shit Pants” then muttered something that was inaudible to the court followed by the bailiff seizing his arm and escorting him out of the courtroom. “Bailiff! Remove ‘Old Shit Pants’ here from the courtroom!” Judge Walkerez ordered.
